Nothing But A Scorched Fedora
by foobar137
Summary: The -inator exploded, and all Doofenshmitz found was a scorched fedora. Now Perry has amnesia, Doof and the OWCA think he's dead, and Monty's been assigned as Doof's temporary nemesis. Platonic Perryshmirtz, some Montnessa. Trope bingo: presumed dead.


**Trope Bingo: Presumed Dead**

* * *

"Ha-ha, Perry the Platypus! You thought you could press the self-destruct button on my Blow-Itself-Up-Inator! But that button doesn't work!" The evil Dr. Doofenshmirtz cackled as he revealed the full depth of his plan. "You see, that's a fake self-destruct button! The real button is here on this handy remote! And it works like this!" He pushed the button to demonstrate, and the Blow-Itself-Up-Inator detonated in a brilliant flash of light. Dr. Doofenshmirtz didn't see the turquoise form being flung away from the explosion at high speed; he just found the scorched fedora hat in the remains of his device.

Holding the hat, a tear formed in his eye. "Oh, no. I didn't...I mean, I couldn't have..."

* * *

Across the city, a platypus woke up with a headache. He'd hit that wall hard, and given himself a concussion. He looked down at the shattered remains of what looked like a watch, lying on the ground next to him.

_How did I get here,_ he thought to himself. _And how do I get home?_

_Where is home?_

_Who am I?_

No answers seemed forthcoming, either from inside his brain or the rest of the world.

He looked around. Nothing seemed familiar.

_Stay here, or go looking for...something else?_

_I'll go look around._

* * *

"Major Monogram, it's Dr. Doofenshmirtz on the phone for you," Carl said.

"What? Why is he calling here?"

"He says it's about Agent P, sir."

"Fine. Check in with Agent P, will you, Carl? Heinz, why are you calling here?"

The Drusselsteinian accent on the other end of the line was masked by tears. "I don't know how it happened. One minute he was trying to press the self-destruct button, and then the next minute...all that was left was his hat."

"Get a hold of yourself, man! He's a top OWCA agent. I'm sure he's fine." Major Monogram pulled the phone away from his face and turned to his intern. "Carl, what's Agent P's status?"

"I don't know, sir. His locator beacon was destroyed, and he hasn't checked in."

"Great googleymoogley!" He turned back to the phone. "Heinz...I don't know how to say this...but it appears that Agent P is...gone."

All he could hear on the other end of the line was uncontrollable sobbing.

* * *

The platypus looked around. This street seemed familiar, but he couldn't remember why.

A boy's voice behind him said, "Oh, there you are, Perry. Are you okay, boy? Looks like you tangled with something - there's a cut on your head."

_Perry. That's my name. I remember that._

_That voice is...what's his name?_

A girl's voice said, "Can we help, Phineas? The Fireside Girls would love a chance to earn our Veterinary Care patches."

_Phineas. Yes, that's right. And the girl is..._

"Sure thing, Isabella!"

The girl picked him up - he could see her now, a short human with long black hair. The boy had short red hair, and his brother - the name "Ferb" was coming to mind for some reason - had short green hair.

_I think I must be home._ He chattered contentedly.

* * *

"Monty, thank you for volunteering to help," Major Monogram said.

"You didn't really give me a lot of choice, Dad."

"With Agent P...gone...we need someone to deal with Dr. Doofenshmirtz until we can get a new full-time agent. I'm sure he's up to something today, thinking that without Agent P to stop him, he can get away with whatever evil scheme he has in mind. You need to go and put a stop to it."

Monty blinked. "Doofenshmirtz? Um..."

"Don't worry, boy, I'm sure you can handle him. You _are_ a Monogram, after all."

_A Monogram who's now been assigned as temporary nemesis to his secret girlfriend's father,_ Monty thought.

"Sure thing, Dad." _Hopefully, Vanessa isn't there._

"Have Carl get you a fedora before you go."

* * *

"Ferb, I know what we're going to do today," Phineas said.

"Thank you so much for offering to help us get our Blacksmithing patches, Phineas." Isabella smiled at him.

Phineas looked around. "Hey, where's Perry...oh, he's right there."

Perry looked up at him and chattered. _I can't help but feel there's something else I should be doing right now, but I have no idea what it is._

* * *

Heinz was sobbing on his daughter's shoulder. "He was so trusting. I always knew where I stood with Perry the Platypus. I'm going to miss him so much..."

The doorbell rang. "Vanessa, could you get that?" Heinz asked.

Vanessa got up and opened the front door to her father's apartment, and was stunned to see Monty, her secret boyfriend, standing at the door and wearing a fedora. She whispered, "Monty, what are you doing here? This is _not_ a good time..."

Monty put a finger to his lips to shush her, then said boldly, "I've been assigned as temporary nemesis to end the evil going on in here. Please stand aside, young lady." He strode past her into the room.

Heinz looked up from where he was sitting with his face in his hands. "Monty? Really? Is OWCA that low on agents?" He sighed deeply. "I'm really not up to doing any evil today, Monty. There's a spare -inator on the balcony if you'd like to blow it up on your way out."

Vanessa followed Monty out to the balcony. "You're Dad's temporary nemesis? That's going to get awkward. You understand I can't help you out while you're here."

Monty sighed. "I know. I couldn't very well tell _my_ Dad, 'No, sorry, can't help, that's my girlfriend's father.'"

Vanessa peeked back into the apartment; Dad couldn't see her from where he was. She slid up to Monty and put her arms around him. "Well, maybe you can find some way to make it up to me for beating up my father. Once he's worked through his grief and starts plotting evil again."

Monty smiled and embraced Vanessa, gently kissing her. "He really misses Perry, huh?"

She rested her head on his shoulder. "Yeah. He said Perry was the first person - or anthropomorphized animal - who ever really understood him."

He gave her a quick hug, and said, "I should probably blow up the -inator and get going before he gets suspicious."

She smiled at him. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow, then?"

"I guess so." He hit the self-destruct button on the side of the -inator; it sent off one beam of energy, then exploded as Monty flew away in a hang glider. From the other room, her father half-heartedly said, "Curse you, Monty."

* * *

"Mom! Mom! Look! The thing they built..." Candace looked into the back yard, where just 3 seconds earlier a beam of light had hit and disintegrated the forge, anvil, and everything they'd made with them. "...is gone. Never mind."

Linda looked around the empty back yard. "Okay, then. Who wants snacks?"

Perry watched the children head toward the kitchen, then looked up in the direction the beam of light had come from.

_Why does that seem familiar? Something is missing, and I don't know what it is._

Phineas poked his head back out of the kitchen door. "Oh, there you are, Perry. Are you coming in?"

Perry chattered at him and walked toward the door.

* * *

Vanessa shook her head at the sight in front of her. Monty - tall, muscular, Monty - was crouched in a tiny cage that was locked to the floor of the lab.

"A little help here?" he whispered to her.

"Don't worry, Dad never manages to keep anyone trapped for long," she whispered back, smiling at him. She shouted in her father's direction, "Dad, your trap caught someone."

Heinz proudly strode into the lab. "Ah, Monty the...um. I can't just call you Monty the Human, now can I? Monty the Pain in the Behind? No, that just doesn't scan properly. Oh, well. I'll think of something. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Monty. Sorry about the trap size, by the way. It's just that I built all my traps for a platypus, and you're a _leeeeettle_ bit bigger than Perry was."

"Just a bit," Monty said, startling Heinz.

"You can talk! Oh, right, of course you can talk. I'm just used to animal agents...aaaanyway, I should probably get on with my monologuing. So I decided to do something in honor of Perry the Platypus, because...well, I miss him. If OWCA holds a funeral for him, please invite me, by the way. I mean, I hope you don't hold it against me just because I blew him up. I didn't really _mean_ to, well, I mean, I _did_, but not really, because it's just what you _do_ with a nemesis."

Monty cleared his throat expectantly.

"Right, right, monologuing. Sorry. Behold, the Fedora-inator! In honor of Perry the Platypus, this will put a fedora hat on the head of anyone it hits! See, let me show you!" He pointed it at Vanessa and pushed the button.

"Dad! I don't need...a...fedora?" She pulled the hat off her head. "Wow, it really works."

"Sorry, Vanessa, but I couldn't test it on Monty, he's already wearing one. Now, I will put fedoras on the heads of everyone in the Entire Tri-State Area!"

Vanessa rolled her eyes; Monty shook his head and sighed.

"Look, I know it's not really evil, but...Perry really meant a lot to me. I want to do this for him," Heinz said, and pushed the button. The device started spinning around, firing beams in every direction.

"Dad, out of curiosity...just what _will_ it do if it hits somebody already wearing a fedora?"

Heinz pondered. "Hmm...actually, I have no idea. Oh, well!"

* * *

Perry watched Phineas and Ferb getting ready to test their rocket swing, confirming once and for all that you could in fact make a swing go all the way around a swing set.

_I wish I could shake this feeling that I'm missing something_, he thought.

Suddenly, beams of orange light came down from the heavens. The first hit Buford, who suddenly sported a fedora. Perry's eyes narrowed as he saw the hat; it stirred up odd memories. _That. That is what I'm missing._

Another beam struck Phineas; the hat looked rather dashing on him, and Isabella sighed.

_I need a hat._

A beam struck Perry, and a hat appeared on his head. It threw the doors of his mind open. Memories flooded back; memories of fighting evil, and secret passageways, and an odd friendship with the man with whom he fought.

_I bet Doof's behind this somehow._

Looking both ways quickly, he walked around the corner. Now hidden from the children, he lifted a potted plant, revealing a secret tunnel. In the distance, he heard Phineas ask, "Hey, where's Perry?"

As he slid down the tunnel, he caressed the hat on his head. He'd missed it so much, and now he had it back.

He landed in the control chair, and the screen turned on. Carl looked up, and did a double take. "Agent P!" he shouted.

Major Monogram's head snapped up in the background. "What?" He saw Perry through the videophone. "Agent P! Where have you been? We're going to have to dock your pay for this."

Perry chattered in response. _Sorry, I had amnesia from a blow to the head and it didn't go away until I got hit by a beam that put a hat on my head._

Monogram harumphed. "That's the silliest thing I've ever heard. Amnesia from a blow to the head. What do you think this is, some kind of bad TV show?"

Carl laughed, then caught himself when Major Monogram glared at him.

"Monty hasn't reported back in from Doof's lab, so why don't you go give him a hand. Monogram out."

Perry saluted the screen and headed for his hovercar.

* * *

Monty whispered urgently, "Seriously, Vanessa, I can't get out of this. Maybe if I had skinny little platypus arms, I could get them through the bars, but I don't. And my legs are going to sleep, and I'm getting a crick in my neck. A little help please?" Behind them, Heinz was ranting about unreliable machinery and trying to get his overheated Fedora-inator running again.

Vanessa laughed. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh, but...let me see what I can do. Do you have a lockpick handy?"

"Yeah, it's under my hat...which I can't reach, and you probably can't get to." Monty sighed. "Well, eventually Dad will figure out I'm stuck here and send somebody to help."

With a _crash_, Perry burst through a window and landed next to the cage. Three sets of eyes swiveled toward him.

"Perry! Get me out of this!" Monty shouted.

"Perry?" Vanessa asked, surprised.

"Perry the Platypus! You're alive!" Heinz shouted, rushing over to hug the platypus. "I'm so happy to see you back! I should have known when I didn't find a body, but when I found your hat..." He pointed to the scorched fedora sitting in a place of honor on his desk.

Perry hugged him back, and allowed Heinz to lead him by the hand to the Fedora-inator. As he passed Vanessa, Perry pulled a lockpick out of his fur and dropped it in her hand. She quickly popped the lock open, and Monty groaned as he attempted to stand up.

"My legs feel like rubber," he moaned.

Over by the Fedora-inator, Heinz was showing Perry the self-destruct button. "See, it's just waiting for you! I promise it won't blow up anything but itself this time! Go ahead and push it!"

Perry smiled at the evil scientist and pushed the button, causing the device to fire off one last bolt before it blew up. With a salute, Perry jumped off the side of the building. Vanessa helped Monty to the edge and gave him a quick kiss before he jumped as well. Two hang gliders floated away on the breeze, carrying the agents away to safety.

Gleefully, Heinz shouted, "Curse you, Perry the Platypus! And Monty! Come back soon, Perry!"

* * *

"Mom! Mom! It's really dangerous this time! You gotta see!" Candace shouted, dragging her mother to the back of the house.

Buford was just getting off his ride on the rocket swing when the beam hit him, causing his fedora to grow in size, covering his face and blinding him.

"I can't see!" he shouted, and, stumbling around, bumped the swing controls. The rockets turned on to full and blasted off, taking the swingset away out of sight. Buford's hat blew off with it.

"See, Mom!" Candace shouted, opening the back door.

Linda looked out. "Yes, that's a very dangerous hat your brother's wearing. Nice fedora, Phineas."

"Thanks, Mom!" Phineas replied.

Candace's jaw dropped. "B-b-but..."

"Oh, there you are, Perry," Phineas said.

* * *

Perry watched the children file into the kitchen for snacks.

_Here I am,_ he thought. _I could have stayed dead. Stayed here with the boys. Been their pet platypus forever, and never had to worry about Doof again. Not done much._

_I couldn't do that._

_I fight evil._

A little self-reflection later, he added, _And I'd have missed Doof._

* * *

**And with that, I have completed my diagonal for trope bingo. There's one more story coming from this card (a Ferbnessa postage stamp extra), and I'll probably get a second card as well. Plus I need to continue Fireside Cafe and Phineas's Pack.**


End file.
